Social Studies (30 April)

• Just 41% of parents give their kids a regular allowance. At the same time, 85% of parents agree that the best way to teach kids about money is to - give them some.
  - "Canadian Family"
• Christian teens are stealing Christian music through Internet downloads at nearly the same rate that non-Christians are pirating secular music, according to a new study done for the Gospel Music Association.
  - "Dallas Morning News"
• Health experts have discovered that mosquitoes just can't stand 'marmite', a vegetarian spread made from brewer's yeast that's popular in the UK and Australia. Apparently consuming the goo causes your skin to give off an odor that's undetectable to humans, but repulsive to mosquitoes.
  - "Daily Mirror"

Tales Of The Tough (29 April)

• Is this the world's toughest guy? After a weekend game, Australian rugby player Shane Millard complained of a slight headache. That's when team medics found - an opponent's tooth embedded in the top of his head!
• Or is this the world's toughest guy? A 15-year-old who was camping on an Alaskan wilderness expedition woke up to find a 400-lb brown bear sitting at his feet. After trying unsuccessfully to back out of his tent, the boy punched the bear repeatedly, then blasted an air-horn in its face. The bear was eventually caught and killed. The boy is okay, but recovering from bites to the forearm, ribs, and a half-dozen puncture wounds on his back!

Worldwide News (29 April)

• Officials in Vienna, Austria have ordered all the city's horse-drawn carriages to start using equine diapers - called 'poo bags'.
• Moscow will soon erect a new bronze monument to a hero that helped Russia through hard times during the Soviet era -- processed cheese!. Shiny, white, foil-wrapped 'Druzhba' or 'friendship cheese' was a staple of the Russian diet during the lean times.
• A drunken joyride by a 28-year-old in Berlin, Germany came to an end when cops smashed the windshield and sprayed Mace in his face. The soused driver was pursued after he ran a red light ... going 2.5 mph ... on a bulldozer!

English As A New Language (28 April)

New terms creeping into our lingo ...

• 'Thumboard' - The keypad on any handheld device that's designed for thumb-based typing.
• 'Fat Tax' - A tax imposed on unhealthy foods, particularly those that contribute to obesity.
• 'Pluot' (PLOO-awt) - A new hybrid fruit created by cross-pollinating a plum and an apricot.

PC Centerfold (28 April)

Late this year, ARUSH Entertainment will release a Playboy-themed simulation strategy game called "Playboy: The Mansion" that may steam up computers and PlayStation 2s. Gamers will rub elbows with 'stunning women' and celebrities in an authentic 3-D re-creation of the Playboy Mansion. You 'score' by hosting extravagant, exciting parties and building a new issue of "Playboy" magazine.
- "IGN Insider"

Keep Your Germs To Yourself (28 April)

A recent Cornell University study suggests that employees should stop trying to be heroes and just stay home when they're sick. So-called 'mucus troopers' - sick employees who insist on coming in to work - cost their employers an average of $255 per year each because they have difficulty concentrating, work more slowly and have to repeat tasks, bogging down productivity. That doesn't even factor in the cost of getting co-workers sick.
- "Globe & Mail"

Too Stupid For Us To Make Up (28 April)

• A lawyer has told a court in the Philippines that the 67 kilos of cocaine found hidden in a chicken cage belonged to the chickens, not his client.
• Brazilian legislator Antonio Jose de Moraes Souza has been removed from office for allowing a physician-supporter to hand out free Viagra at his campaign rallies.
• Berlin, Germany has installed new talking trash bins that say 'thank you' to people who pitch in in 3 languages: English, French and Japanese - but not German.
• Three Japanese citizens who were held hostage in Iraq were each welcomed home with - a $7,400 bill to cover airfare and expenses. They were also criticized for behaving recklessly by going to a country that Japan has repeatedly warned civilians to avoid.
• Friends of champion Irish clay pigeon shooter Tony Mullan have fulfilled his dying wish by packing his ashes into shotgun cartridges and blasting his remains over firing ranges around-the-world.

Shocking Fact (28 April)

There are more rodents currently infected with the plague in North America than there were in Europe at the time of the Black Death.
- "Rats: Observations on the History & Habitat of the City's Most Unwanted Inhabitants" by Robert Sullivan

Stuck on You (28 April)

For the 4th year, Duck Brand Duct Tape is holding the "Stuck at the Prom Contest" which will award one high school couple $5,000 for dressing up for their prom - in duct tape.
For more info check out the Duck Tape Club website (check out the archive for some incredible designs).

Web Posting (27 April)

A research team from Germany and Switzerland has made the first detailed study of a jumping spider's 'foot' and discovered that a molecular force sticks the spider to almost anything. The force is so strong the spiders can carry over 170 times their own body weight while standing on the ceiling. So what's useful about all this? The discovery could be the key to developing "Post-It' Notes" that don't fall off, even when they're wet.
- "Smart Materials & Structures"

Why Not The Death Penalty? (27 April)

Russia is now considering stiff fines for weather forecasters who fudge their predictions, because the practice has cost the government money to prepare for weather emergencies that never happen.
- "NY Post"

A Reason For Sunglasses At Night (27 April)

A new product called 'The Eyetop' by Ingenio resembles a pair of oversized sunglasses. It has a small monitor attached to the side of the frames, which when connected to a DVD player, laptop or other portable video device, projects full-size images onto the user's field of vision. Owning a personal virtual movie theatre doesn't come cheap though - about $500.
- "This is London"

I Can't Believe It's Not Ganja (27 April)

Farmers in Latvia want to introduce a local specialty to the world: dark green butter made from - cannabis seed. Latvians can buy 'cannabis butter' at farmers' markets and in supermarkets because, unlike the drug cannabis, it's legal. There are various recipes that are centuries-old but it's usually prepared by hand in a series of 18 different steps. It can then be stored for as long as 6 months.
- "Taipei Times"

Hot Hands? (27 April)

Does your 'sweaty palm' problem leave you embarrassed whenever you're at your PC work station? Well, here's just what you need - the 'Air-Flo Mouse' is a new hi-tech computer mouse that features built-in air-conditioning. It uses an internal fan to deliver a cool stream of air straight to your skin, and because it connects to any USB port there's no need for any additional power. For this chilling little thrill you'll have to hand over about 50 bucks.
- "Sun"

It's The Wet-P3 (26 April)

British student Sam James has invented a digital music player that works - underwater! His 'Soundwaves' device clips onto an ordinary pair of swimming goggles. Once it and the goggles are in place, swimmers are able to hear their favourite tunes vibrating inside their heads.
- "Owl" magazine.

Still No Carry-Out (26 April)

Within a decade supermarkets will be completely transformed for hi-tech transactions, according to grocery industry analysts. New 'Pay-by-Touch' systems and microchips embedded into each product will mean that shopping will be as simple as grab it, bag it, and go. Sensors will ring up goods within seconds, and a fingerprint-reading device will enable shoppers to access their individual accounts.
- "Christian Science Monitor"

Classical Training (26 April)

New research conducted at Stanford University has discovered a molecular basis for the so-called 'Mozart Effect', the theory that listening to Mozart's music may improve learning and memory. In experiments higher levels of several agents involved in stimulating and changing the connections between brain cells were observed in lab rats that heard a Mozart sonata.
- "New Scientist"

Mother's Moo (26 April)

How much government money went into this little project? An in-depth University of Missouri study of the language of cows shows that not all 'moos' are created equal. Despite how similar they may sound to the human ear every 'moo' is distinctive, some telling calves exactly where their mommy cow is in the herd.
- "Science"

But Does It Talk Back? (23 April)

Engineers at 'Beepcard' in Santa Monica CA have developed a credit card that won't work unless - it hears its owner's voice. The card requires users to give a spoken password that it authenticates using a built-in voice-recognition chip. The prototype has a microphone, loudspeaker, battery and voice-recognition chip all crammed into the length and width of an ordinary credit card, but there's still a bit of work to do - it's about 3 times as thick.
- ANI

New Storyline For "CSI"? (23 April)

Transit employees in Edinburgh, Scotland are being issued DNA kits, complete with latex gloves, swabs and specimen bags in order to crack down on - spitting. It seems incidents of bus drivers being spat upon have been reported at least once per week. A similar program in Glasgow, Scotland has led to 25 rowdy commuters being charged with 'assault by spitting'.
- "The Scotsman"

Dream-To-Order (23 April)

Japan's Takara Co has developed a gadget designed to help you dream what you want to dream. Here's how it works - you choose a fragrance and background music, then study an image of the subject you want to dream about and record a short audio description of the desired dream. During sleep, the 'Yumemi Kuobuo' ('Dream Workshop') periodically plays the music, releases the fragrance, and repeats the recorded phrase during REM (Rapid Eye Movement), the sleep cycle when we dream. So far, it's only been tested on company employees.
- "Chicago Tribune"

Too Stupid For Us To Make Up (23 April)

• A Malaysian couple caught by law enforcement officers holding hands in a public park has been taken to court and charged with - 'indecent behaviour'.
• A 43-year-old Albuquerque NM high school librarian decided her daughter deserved a kegger for her 16th birthday and all hell broke loose - guns shot in the air and one teen taken to hospital for alcohol poisoning. Thanks to her dumb idea, the poor woman's been charged for 'contributing to the delinquency of a minor', forced to take leave from her job and - evicted from her mobile home.
• A 29-year-old Leicester UK man has been found guilty of possession of 558 Kamagra pills, a variation of Viagra, for the purpose of trafficking even though he claimed they were all for personal use. A judge let him off with probation and the instruction, "Can you extend our sympathy to whoever his partner is."

Reasons To Party … (23 April)

Today is the anniversary of both William Shakespeare's birth and his death (1564-1616), the bard of Stratford-on-Avon ENG who composed 37 plays and 154 sonnets. For sooth! The annual "Bard's Birthday Celebration" will be held in many locations around-the-world, including the home of Canada's annual "Shakespearean Festival", Stratford ON.

Pseudo-Celeb On Your Phone (22 April)

Virgin Mobile's 'Voice Mania Greetings' enable you to have a B-list celebrity (make that C or maybe D) perform your voicemail greetings for you. Among the comedy, music, TV and sports personalities available - "Star Trek's" William Shatner (who'll do just about anything for a buck), Adam West (TV's geriatric "Batman"), 'Grandpa' Al Lewis ("The Munsters), Erik Estrada ("ChiPs"), and newly-svelte gold digger Anna Nicole Smith. Each greeting costs $2.95.
For more info check out the Virgin Mobile USA website (click on Voice Mania).

What Your Favourite Jelly Bean Says About You (22 April)

Today is "National Jelly Bean Day". So here's a look at ...

• Lime - You're trendy, fun-loving, whimsical & playful, and always 'on-the-go'.
• Cherry - You're an extrovert who's a born romantic with a 'love conquers all' philosophy.
• Grape - You're creative, with a complex, artistic sensibility. You're able to make quick decisions.
• Liquorice - You're a self-confident, maverick trailblazer who thrives on new experiences.
• Pink Grapefruit (or Cotton Candy) - You're warm and friendly. You're a bundle of kindness and generosity, always looking out for your friends.
• Strawberry - You're an upbeat optimist who focuses on the positive and never gives up.
• Blueberry - You're one of the peaceful, strong ones everyone relies on. You speak your mind.
• Lemon - You're quick-witted, probably the joker in your group, and you have a knack for being able to think on your feet.
• Cinnamon - You thrive on attention and love it when you get it. People are drawn to you because of your addictive personality.
• French Vanilla - You strive for perfection and impossible ideals. You desire simplicity in all things in your life.

New English 101 (21 April)

• 'Toothing' - A new craze where strangers hook up for anonymous sex by text messaging each other with their Bluetooth-enabled cellphones or PDAs.)
• 'Going Uma' - Thanks to the movie "Kill Bill" starring Uma Thurman, this is the new term for getting even with enemies. ("Take it back or I'm gonna go Uma on you!")
• 'SUV Terrorism' - A dangerous new form of eco-terrorism in which radical environmentalists torch gas-guzzling SUVs.
• 'Grease Logs' - Waste treatment lingo for white, rubbery logs of hardened cooking grease that can clog sewer pipes and cause manhole covers to pop.

A Lot Of Candles On The Cake (21 April)

Cambridge University gerontologist Aubrey de Grey predicts that life expectancy at birth in the year 2100 will be an amazing 5,000 years, due to anti-aging discoveries and advances in technology. He believes people in this century will live well beyond 100 and claims the first person who will hit 150 is already 50-years-old now. Ever the optimist, he says the first who'll live to be 1,000 is already 45.
- "The Futurist

Torturous Females (21 April)

Any guy who's been dumped by a girlfriend will disagree but British researchers have found that pain seems less intense - when it's administered by a woman! In experiments, test subjects were placed in thumbscrews that were twisted by either a male or female until the subject asked them to stop. On average, female tormenters were allowed to apply about 30% more pressure than males. That's because women are perceived as more nurturing so people expect to feel less pain from them, the researchers concluded.
- "Men's Health"

Goofy New Inventions (21 April)

• Both Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola are planning to launch new 'mid-calorie colas' that contain less sugar, carbohydrates and calories than regular colas. 'Coke C2' will debut in Japan before hitting the North American market this summer, about the same time as the new 'Pepsi Edge'.
  (BTW Pepsi-Cola was invented by Caleb Bradham in 1890 and was originally called 'Brad's Drink'.)
• Japan's Sony Corp & Toppan Printing Co have cooperated to develop a new DVD disc - made out of paper. The paper content is 51%, enabling far lower production costs. Another advantage is security - once you no longer want the info, you can simply cut it up with scissors, much like feeding documents into a paper shredder.

News From Around-The-World (21 April)

• A court in Bonn, Germany has turned down a 48-year-old woman's $7,200 lawsuit against candy manufacturer Haribo. The judge ruled the company was not in fact negligent in failing to warn her that - eating a pound of liquorice a day for 4 months would give her a heart attack.
• A jilted husband in central China tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the tiger enclosure at a local zoo. Fortunately, zookeepers managed to distract the tigers by throwing them chickens, then hauled the man to safety.
• Aboriginals in Australia have invoked an ancient curse on Prime Minister John Howard by 'pointing the bone' at him. It seems the PM made an unpopular decision, deciding to scrap a top aboriginal body. Aborigines believe pointing a kangaroo bone at someone will bring that person bad luck.
• And isn't this the way life goes - a Hamilton ON driver survived a horrific car accident in which his vehicle left a highway at high speed and rolled 5 times. But afterward as he walked down the highway seeking help - he was smacked by another vehicle and killed.

QE2's B'day (21 April)

1926 [78] Queen Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor), London UK, "Her most Excellent Majesty Elizabeth the 2nd, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, of Great Britain & Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms & Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth & Defender of the Faith"
Trivia
Q: Queen Elizabeth II is the only monarch in British history to ...

1. Wear a crown made of lightweight plastic.
2. Be born in a private home.
3. Take karate lessons.

Social Studies (20 April)

• A study by Australia's Melbourne University shows red wine may help prevent the common cold.
• New research at Britain's Cambridge University suggests that arguing may actually be good for parental relationships with moody offspring. That's because arguments are often used by teens as a communication tool. Teen daughters often use arguments to update mothers about their lives and what's important to them.
• A McGill University study shows that the most highly creative people seem to come from homes where parents are constantly fighting. Howzat? Researchers suggest that kids brought up by warring parents may give up looking for praise from authority figures and decide to go their own way.
• A new study published in "Obesity Research" shows that obese adults placed on a special diet high in dairy products lose more body fat, especially around the abdomen, than non-dairy eaters.
• Never mind working on the pecs, guys - it's your shoes that impress women! Footwear outranks body and personality, according to a new poll by the 'Mates' condom company. 4 out of 5 women say shoes are what they look for, and 2 out of 3 say style and cleanliness are important indicators of what a man is like - both in and out of bed.

The Lapel Pager (20 April)

The new 'Vocera' communications system uses a little lapel badge to send voice calls via a wi-fi network. To contact someone, you simply press the talk button on the badge and say the name. A name recognition system then channels the call to the correct person and you can speak to each other hands-free through the badges. The gadget is proving popular in hospitals, where it makes it easier for medical staff to find each other and get advice.
- "Forbes"

More Questions Plaguing Humanity (20 April)

• Are there bathrooms in hell ... or do you just have to hold it?
• Which came first, the Chicken McNugget or the Egg McMuffin?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they 'go back to'?
• Are hookers considered 'laymen'?
• How do you know when you've run out of 'invisible ink'?
• Do hearses get to use the 'car pool lane'?
• Can you buy an entire chess set in a 'pawn shop'?
• Shouldn't the term 'homemaker' refer to, say, carpenters?
• How can there be self-help 'groups'?
• Is the only difference between 'neurotic' and 'eccentric' how much money you have?

Too Stupid For Us To Make Up (19 April)

• Cameroon, traditionally among Africa's best soccer teams, has been penalized by soccer governing body FIFA - for wearing body-suit uniforms. The team's been fined $155,000, a punishment that could hurt its chances of qualifying for the next World Cup.
• US troops trying to flush out Sunni Muslim gunmen in Fallujah, Iraq are blasting heavy metal rock music like AC/DC at full volume, along with insults shouted in Arabic including - "You shoot like a goat herder!"
• Elite troops from Britain's Royal Marines, who normally operate behind enemy lines gathering intelligence, have been deployed in 'Operation Artemis' to - protect an endangered bird species in Scotland. The crack troops will watch over Hen Harrier nests, protecting them against poachers and egg thieves.
• Ontario Provincial Police have charged a 54-year-old man with careless driving after pulling him over last week cruising into Toronto on Highway 400 - while playing his violin. He says he was warming up for a concert.
• An entrepreneur on the Isle of Wight who's fed up with the exorbitant prices British dentists charge is planning to ship people to France for cheaper dental work on what he's calling 'The Tooth Ferry'.
• Swedish customs officers in Stockholm became suspicious when a woman in line kept scratching her chest. When she was detained, they discovered she was attempting to smuggle in 75 live snakes - in her bra.

Boss Of The Year (19 April)

CEO John Hui recently made a $129-million profit by selling his California computer company E-Machines to Gateway Computer, so he's decided to share the wealth by giving out - $72-million-worth of bonuses to former employees! Staffers will get anywhere from thousands to hundreds of thousands - plus a job with Gateway.
- "LA Times"

For The Record (19 April)

• A limousine company based in Mexico has created what is likely the world's longest limo, converted from - a Boeing 727 airliner! At 18 meters (60 ft) long and 3.9 meters (13 ft) high, the diesel-powered vehicle will be able to transport 50 passengers at up to 200 km/hr (120 mph). The conversion involved removing the plane's wings and outfitting the interior with neon strobe lights, audio and video systems for its dance club, bar and lounge. It will be ready for rental in MAY at $500 per hour, 3-hour minimum.
• 33-year-old Leonid Stadnik, a veterinarian in the village of Podoliantsi, Ukraine is thought to be the world's tallest man. He stands 2.53 meters (8 ft, 4 ins) tall, and his hand is 31 cm (12 ins) long. Here's the amazing thing - he's still growing!

I M Slo (16 April)

Competitors in Sunday's "London Marathon" in the UK will be able to send free text messages to friends to update them on their progress. The service uses a small timing chip attached to a runner's shoelaces and sensor mats at the start, finish and at various points along the racecourse. Each time the chip crosses a sensor mat, it is identified and a personalized message is sent to up to 3 of the runner's supporters.
- "Ananova"

Smile Therapy (16 April)

The art of smiling is being seriously pursued as an effective method of self-improvement in Japan. Over 80% of smile therapy fans are women, who use it as a method to ease stress caused by work and social pressures. Smile therapy tip - it's okay if your smile tends to be artificial at first. Your brain will eventually begin to relax as you train your facial muscles.
- "Nikkei Weekly"

Scientists Say (15 April)

A compendium of recent 'discoveries' ...

• Scientists say ... creepy, brownish-black, 2-inch-long, hatchling leeches provide an excellent medical alternative for treating burns, for use in reattaching body parts and for reducing the pain of arthritis.
• Scientists say ... 'Bright Light Therapy' may relieve depression during pregnancy.
• Scientists say ... death rates from heart disease for 5'-10" men are double those for guys 5'-4". A report in "Medical Science Monitor" says taller people seem to experience a heightened risk of heart trouble worldwide.
• Scientists say ... men who reduce body fat to 5% or less may actually ruin their sex lives because an ultra-low body fat count interferes with testosterone levels.
• Scientists say ... adults average only 1 nightmare a year, but typically have 7 sexual fantasies every day.

Real But Really Dumb Canadian Laws: (15 April)

Today the Canadian Bar Association celebrates "National Law Day 2004", an annual event recognizing the anniversary of the proclamation of the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms 22 years ago in 1982. To celebrate, here are a few ...

• If you happen upon an injured migratory bird in a Canadian national park, you are required to kill it immediately. If not, you can be fined $300.
• Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
• You may not pay for a 50-cent item with only pennies.
• It is illegal for clear or non-dark soft drinks to contain caffeine.
• It's illegal to kill a Sasquatch in BC.
• In Fort Qu'Appelle SK, all teenagers walking down the main street must have their shoes tied.
• In Alberta, wooden logs may not be painted.
• In Glace Bay NS, all cyclists are required to carry a kerosene lantern.
• Ontario law states it is illegal to paint any bus bright yellow unless it is being used to transport handicapped adults or school children.
• If you live in St John's NL, you cannot keep cows in your house.
• Street musicians are not allowed to give children balloon animals in Victoria BC.

Buzzwords (14 April)

New terms leaking into the lingo ...

• 'Warm-Chair Attrition' - Loss of productivity due to unhappy employees waiting for the right time to quit or retire. ("We'll eventually get rid of Lisa through warm-chair attrition. In the meantime, you can count on her calling in sick about 5 times a month.")
• 'Chronotype' - The set of genetic factors that determine whether someone is a morning person or a nighthawk. ("No way I can be a guest on your morning show ... I'm a totally different chronotype, up until 2am most nights.")
• 'Same-Sex Person' - New term for a homosexual or lesbian. ("I think same-sex persons in civil unions should get the same benefits as other married couples.")

Fall Guy (14 April)

Kirk Jones, who last OCTOBER became the only person known to survive a jump over Niagara Falls without any protection, says he's planning another stunt - a new world record for 'longest free-fall from an existing structure'. The former Michigan native-turned-circus-freak doesn't say what he'll be jumping off but claims it will be done 'legally'. The "Guinness World Record" free-fall is 335 meters (1,110 ft) off Toronto's CN Tower by stuntman Dar Robinson in 1979.
- AP

World's Oldest Mouse (14 April)

A dwarf mouse named 'Yoda' has just celebrated his 4th birthday - the human equivalent of 136 years! He's believed to be the world's oldest mouse, thanks to genetic modifications at the University of Michigan Medical School. The gene tampering slowed the aging process by controlling his pituitary and thyroid glands and reducing insulin production. On the downside - 'Yoda' is about a third smaller than an average mouse and very sensitive to cold.

New Products Being Developed By Ibm (14 April)

• An iron that reminds you to turn it off.
• 'The Whirlpool Polara' - An oven that can be remotely operated by cellphone or Internet and not only cooks but acts as a cooling device.
• 'The Smart Countertop', which issues a warning if pill bottles set on it contain medicine that would lead to bad side effects if taken together.
• An Internet-enabled car with integrated voice-recognition technology.

It's A Small World After All (14 April)

Forecasters say the world's population, now at a tad over 6 billion, is unlikely to double - ever. Austria's International Institute for Applied Systems Analysis predicts world population will top out at 9 billion within the next 50 years or so, then start shrinking.
- "Fortune" magazine.

Worldwide Roar (14 April)

• Compulsive Australian gamblers seeking help at the 'Gamblers Anonymous' Website are being hit with - pop-up ads for an online casino.
• A Sheffield UK court has jailed an obsessive car thief who - carefully cleans the vehicles he steals. After boosting a vehicle, he drives for several hours, then washes and polishes it inside and out before returning it undamaged to the owner.
• Employees at the Berlin, Germany aquarium were shocked to find a piranha had been released into a pool where children are encouraged to pet fish. Fortunately, it was discovered chasing other fish before it did any serious damage.
• A Belgian motorist has been sent a speeding ticket for traveling - 2,100 mph. The ticket claimed he'd been spotted doing Mach 3, or 3 times the speed of sound, while driving his Mini in a Brussels suburb. Police have apologized for the mistake and blamed a faulty radar.

Amazing Facts (14 April)

• The original cost of the actual Stanley Cup trophy was a measly $48.67.
• After couples divorce, they still usually live within 10 miles of each other.
• Most Canadians want to stay in Canada when they retire, about half where they now live.
• In the average 18-hole round of golf, the ball is on the face of a club for a total of less than a half-second.

Employment Ads Interpreted (14 April)

• "Duties Will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "Career-Minded" - We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
• "Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night and some time each weekend
• "Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter" - We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission cheque.
• "Self-Motivated" - Management won't answer questions
• "Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
• "Competitive Environment" - We have a lot of turnover.
• "Some Public Relations Required" - If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
• "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You'll need it to replace 3 people who just left.
• "Problem-Solving Skills a Must" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
• "Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload" - You whine, you're fired.

Simply White (13 April)

Teeth whitening may be all the rage in North America, but in Japan it's estimated that up to 60% of women now use whitening products - on their skin. Appearing 'Western' has long been a key to success in Japanese social circles, but now the proliferation of skin lightening products is causing controversy. Critics say that the process of skin whitening encourages women to strive for a 'homogenized and stereotypical Western ideal of beauty'.
- "London Observer"

Old Pussy (13 April)

What may have been one of the earliest pet cats has been found in Cyprus. French archaeologists say the 8-month-old kitten appears to have been deliberately buried alongside a human in a Stone Age grave about 9,500 years ago. Researchers at the National Museum of Natural History in Paris say it may represent the earliest example of a domesticated cat. Previously, it was thought cats were first domesticated in ancient Egypt 3,000 to 4,000 years ago.
- The journal "Science".

Too Stupid For Us To Make Up (13 April)

• An Argentinean father of 37 is campaigning for free vasectomies. Cleto Ruiz Diaz, who lives with 3 partners and all 37 children in a 2-bedroom apartment, says he doesn't want any more kids.
• An odd destination has become popular for school trips in greater Detroit MI - the county morgue. Both the Oakland and Wayne County morgues offer 3-hour tours and they're booked solid through the end of the year. Originally meant to impress students with the dangers of drug & alcohol abuse, dangerous driving and gang violence, the morgue tours have now become trendy-cool field trip destinations thanks to TV shows like "CSI". Combined, the 2 morgues perform 5,000 autopsies a year.
• An 86-year-old Swiss man seen driving the wrong way down a freeway stopped when he saw police - to complain that everyone else was going the wrong way! He'd even been flashing his headlights at all the other drivers.
• Some crooks in Johnson County, Indiana are likely a tad disappointed after discovering the pickup truck they high jacked contained only a shipment of - 25,000 sets of 'Billy Bob Teeth', novelty chompers that make you appear to have crooked, decayed, tobacco-stained teeth.

For The Record (13 April)

What may be recognized as a world record real estate deal has closed in London, England. Formula One racing boss Bernie Ecclestone has sold his 12-bedroom central London home to billionaire Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal for £70million, about CDN $171 million. The house is 55 times bigger than Britain's average and has garage space for 20 cars.

'Chicken Or Egg Game' (13 April)

Which of the following came first?

• 'Instant coffee' or 'powdered coffee whitener'? [The Nestle Co 1st introduced Nescafé instant coffee in 1938. It also introduced the 1st non-dairy powdered creamer, Coffee-Mate, but not until 1961.]
• The 'skyscraper' or the 'elevator'? [The first skyscraper, the 'Home Insurance Building' in Chicago, was completed in 1885 and towered 10 stories, 138 feet. The first elevator, called the 'Flying Chair', was installed in King Louis XV's private apartments in the Palace of Versailles much earlier, in 1743. It gave him secret access to his mistress on the floor above.]
• The air conditioner or Queen Elizabeth II? [ Willis Carrier designed and installed the first air-conditioner in 1919. Queen Elizabeth II didn't come along until 1926.]
• Dolly Parton or the first 'bra'? [Dolly was born in 1946, but Marie Tucek patented the first 'breast supporter' way back in 1893.]
• Color TV or Crayola crayons? [Scottish engineer John Baird built the first working color TV in 1928, Binney & Smith introduced the first Crayola crayons in 1903.]
• The 'rubber band' or the 'jazz band'? [Perry & Co first patented the rubber band in 1845. The Original Dixieland Jazz Band didn't make the first jazz recording until 1917.]
• 'Chewing gum' or 'dental floss'? [In 1848, John B Curtis made and sold the 1st commercial chewing gum called the 'State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum'. Johnson & Johnson Co was 1st to patent dental floss in 1898.]
• The 'Hula-Hoop' or the 'Yo-Yo'? [The Hula-Hoop craze hit in 1958 when Wham-O began selling them for $1.98. The Yo-Yo is considered the 2nd-oldest toy in history, the oldest being the doll.]
• 'Computers' or 'aspirin'? [John Atanasoff & Clifford Berry built the first modern computer in 1942. Bayer started marketing 'Aspirin' way back in 1899.]

A Question Of Logic (13 April)

Q: If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
A: You have the 2 that you took.
Q: If you have only 1 match and you enter a room where there are a kerosene lamp, oil burner and a wood-burning stove, which would you light first?
A: The match.
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.

Censorship Strikes Again (12 April)

Victoria's Secret is dropping its network televised fashion show this year, at least partly due to criticism following Janet Jackson's 'Nipplegate' scandal at the Super Bowl. A spokesman confirms the decision was made after the FCC applied heat on radio and TV to clean up their acts. The company will now look at new ways to promote its brand.
- CNN International

Yao Ming Was Here (12 April)

A giant fossilized human footprint has been discovered in a jungle area between Thailand and Cambodia which measures 1.6 m (over 5 ft) from heel to toe, and 86 cm (almost 3 ft) across. That would indicate that it came from some sort of being more than 10 m (32 ft) tall!
- "Far Eastern Economic Review"

International Noos (8 April)

• A New Zealand commuter was stunned when he slammed on the brakes in traffic - and his pet cat slid down the windshield! It seems he backed out of his driveway while the Persian was walking on the roof of the car. Little 'Bono' managed to survive the sudden stop by clinging to the wiper blades.
• The German state of Bavaria has announced it will no longer subsidize - leiderhosen. It seems a good pair of goat-suede leiderhosen can set you back $185, so the government previously pitched in to help traditional folk groups. But alas, no more! Some groups are now threatening to boycott this year's "Munich Oktoberfest".
• A determined gambler who was refused entry into a casino in Brisbane, Australia attempted to scale the security fence and ended up impaling himself. After being cut free by emergency workers, the 29-year-old was taken to hospital with part of the fence still piercing his groin and buttocks.
• A 40-year-old Mexican woman who was 8 hours away from the nearest hospital when she went into labour has given birth to a healthy boy after performing - a Caesarean on herself with a kitchen knife! She reportedly downed 3 glasses of hard liquor beforehand, then had a local nurse stitch her up with a needle and thread after.

New English Primer (7 April)

• 'Gerry' - New nickname for a 'geriatric' or older person. (You know ... a 'cotton-head'.)
• 'Silver Ceiling' - Similar to the 'Glass Ceiling', this is a result of prejudice that keeps older employees from being promoted. ("Ben's pretty much reached the silver ceiling with this corporation ... he must be pushing 30!")
• 'Yestersol' - A 'sol' is a Martian day, so this is one Mars day ago. ("NASA reports that the Mars rover discovered yet another exciting rock yestersol ...")
• 'Nerdistan' - An upscale neighbourhood that's home to a lot of hi-tech workers. ("You're moving to Kanata? Better stock up on pocket protectors, that's like the capital of Nerdistan.")

Goofy New Gizmos (7 April)

Some 675 gadgets from 42 countries are on display at the "Inventors' Trade Fair" in Geneva, Switzerland. The top attraction is a Taiwanese condom with a built-in vibrator (why didn't I think of that?). Other strange inventions include 'The Anti-Haemorrhoid Chair' which uses candle-warmed medicinal herbs to prevent constipation; the 'Crazy Assistant' which helps the disabled put on underwear and socks; and the 'Solar-Powered Airplane', designed by renowned hot air balloonist Bertrand Piccard.
- Ananova

Amazing Fact (7 April)

Blue Jays can imitate the calls of hawks, magpies can imitate other birds and, very rarely, a human voice, but the champion bird mimic is the male Australian Lyre Bird. It can not only imitate other birds but the sound of camera motors, rifle shots, and lawn mowers ... all of which it incorporates into its mating songs.

Lost & Found (6 April)

A new survey sponsored by Nissan asks corporations for the strangest items discovered in company vehicles when they were returned to the employer. Among the weirdest - used diapers, false teeth, feminine hygiene products, underwear, a G-string, condoms, a microwave, an unopened bag of fish & chips under the passenger seat, a chainsaw, a store mannequin and ... a dead goat.
- "Fleet News"

The Hellu Say (6 April)

Hellu High School in Helsinki, Finland has received a threat from the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club - no head-bashing or chain beatings involved - it's a threatened lawsuit over trademark infringement. The club's Finland chapter is PO-ed about a school shirt emblazoned with the slogan 'Hellus Angels' and the club's winged 'Deaths head' logo. It seems the logo is registered by the Hells Angels Motorcycle Corp. They're demanding that all shirts be collected and forfeited to the club. Funny, the school's administration promptly agreed.
- "Daily News"

Healthy Shopping (6 April)

Food columnist Amy Rosen says you can eat better and reduce your grocery bill by sticking to the outside aisles of your supermarket. Why? That's normally where the produce, meat and dairy sections are located; the food is not only fresher but usually cheaper. The further you travel into a supermarket's centre, the more packaged, preserved and costly your shopping becomes.
- "new 2" magazine.

Amazing Facts (6 April)

• Due to Defence Department constraints, Canada's Snowbirds aerobatic team may have to continue using their 40-year-old Tutor jets - until 2020!
• A new 75-nation study shows that, when it comes to spotting a liar, Turks and Armenians are tops. Both nationalities are able to detect a lie about 70% of the time.
• According to several nutrition experts, the recent rise in obesity is in direct proportion to the increase in consumption of high-fructose corn syrup - the sweetener found in almost all sugar-based soft drinks and sweetened fruit juices.

How To Swim 55 Mph (5 April)

A group of athletes has begun an ambitious fund-raiser, 'swimming' across Australia in a custom-made pool - on the back of a truck. "Swim Across Australia" began Saturday in Geraldton, Western Australia with the goal of trekking all the way to Sydney on the east coast. The 60-strong entourage is tethered to the pool and constantly observed from a lifeguard tower while the truck rolls on at 90 km/hr (55 mph). (If they're successful they'll next attempt to 'drive' across the Pacific ... on the back of an aircraft carrier.)
For more info check out the Swim Across Australia website.

De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da (5 April)

Ever wanted to buy a record but can't remember its title? Arlington VA inventor Lawson Wood is applying for a patent on a system that enables you to identify and buy music online simply by humming or singing part of the tune. Speech-recognition software at his music-download Website will compare sounds sung into a PC's microphone with a library of stored music tracks. When the site finds a potential match, it will send a short low-quality snippet of the tune back to the customer. If the match is correct, you'll then pay to download the track.
- "New Scientist"

True Crime (5 April)

• A man has been arrested for credit card theft in Germany after he tried to buy beer and cigarettes at a gas station with a stolen card - that belonged to the cashier. When the cashier saw his own name on the card, he locked the suspect inside and called police.
• A 14-year-old Hong Kong girl chased her mom with a knife and a wooden pole after the mother had the audacity to confiscate - her daughter's cellphone. Police had to use pepper spray to subdue the girl.
• A Brazilian car thief returned a stolen vehicle after the owner called a cellphone in the car and explained that he had severe financial problems. The thief listened to the plea, was apparently convinced and - returned the vehicle to parking lot where he'd stolen it.
• Cambodian police have been accused of extracting confessions from 2 teenaged robbery suspects by forcing them to - eat bananas until they felt sick.

'Finish Lines' (5 April)

Try to finish these famous proverbs ...

• "A closed mouth catches . . . [no flies."]
• "There's no place like . . . [home."]
• "You never miss the water till . . . [the well runs dry."]
• "Keep a thing for seven years and . . . [you'll always find a use for it."]
• "The eyes are the window of . . . [the soul."]
• "A drowning man is not troubled by . . . [rain."]
• "The darkest hour is just before . . . [the dawn."]
• "Necessity is the mother of . . . [invention."]
• "Speech is silver, but . . . [silence is golden."]
• "No man can serve . . . [two masters."]

She Could Have Posed For Stamps In Person! (2 April)

During WWII, the Canadian government gave asylum to Princess Julianna, heir to the Dutch throne, and her family. Her thank-you gift of tulips are about to blossom again in Ottawa. Now we hear another royal could have temporarily made Canada home. Today newly declassified Cold War-era intelligence files go on exhibit at Britain's National Archives in London. Among them, a paper outlining a contingency plan in the event the Soviet Union launched a nuclear attack on Britain. It suggests Queen Elizabeth would be spirited out of the UK and flown to Canada.
- "Telegraph"

Femme-Mobile (2 April)

At a Swiss auto show, Volvo has introduced the first car designed and developed exclusively by women. The 'YCC' ('Your Concept Car') is a sporty coupe that includes custom features such as computerized assistance for parallel parking, changeable seat covers, handbag compartments, even head rests with little indentations - for ponytails. It's unclear if the experimental car will ever hit the market.
- "Globe & Mail"

Duelling Sticks (2 April)

Any parent who's read AA Milne's "Winnie-the-Pooh" books to kids knows what the game of 'Pooh-sticks' is - a race that involves dropping sticks in a river from a bridge and seeing which gets to the finish line first. But did you know there's an annual championship? At the 21st annual "World Pooh-Sticks Race" in Days Lock, England, the Czech Republic has won the team gold medal, while the individual gold went to a 55-year-old British woman. And here's the lovely thing about the game - a14-month-old girl came in second.
- BBC News Online

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... (2 April)

Saturday is the 26th annual "Spamarama" in Austin TX, the annual 'pandemonious party of potted meat' featuring the 'Spamalympics', 'Spam Cookoff', 'Wild Spam Call', and 'Spam Relay'.
For more info check out the Spamarama website.

Reasons To Party . . . (1 April)

Today is "April Fool's Day". The custom of playing practical jokes on friends was part of the celebrations in ancient Rome on March 25th, known as "Hilaria". The timing seems related to the vernal equinox and the coming of Spring, when nature fools us with sudden changes. A few foolish facts...

• Many say the observance originated with the reform of the calendar when "New Year's Day" was moved from April 1 to January 1. Those who clung to the old "New Year's Day" were scoffed at as 'fools' and sent fake party invitations and prank gifts. That tradition began in France around 1564, where an 'April Fool' is called a 'poisson d'avril' (April fish). The French fool friends by taping a paper fish to their backs. When you see one you yell, 'Poisson d'avril!'.
• Widespread observance began in the 18th century in England, where tricks can be played only in the morning. If a trick is played on you, you are a 'noodle'.
• In Scotland, April Fools Day is 48 hours long and you are called an 'April Gowk', another name for a cuckoo bird. The second day is called 'Taily Day' because it's dedicated to pranks involving the buttocks. It's lasting gift to posterior posterity is the 'Kick Me' sign.
• In India, the final day of the "Feast of Huli" begins March 31, and is traditionally celebrated by acts of mischief.
• Since 1980, the day has been celebrated in San Francisco CA as "St Stupid's Day", when a wacky parade is held.
• In New York City, the 19th annual (fictitious) "April Fool's Day Parade" will feature celebrity look-alike fools representing Britney Spears, Pete Rose, Glen Campbell & Kobe Bryant. This year's grand marshal, would-be assassin John Hinckley, will be released from psychiatric hospital for the event. Featured floats include the 'Michael Jackson Giant Bed' and the 'Rush Limbaugh Free Prescription Pain Killer' float. Parade committee chair and media hoaxer Joey Skaggs says what's amazing is many parade-lovers and camera crews actually show up every year for this - April Fool's Day joke!
• This is also the beginning of "National Laugh Week" and "Humor Month", focusing on the therapeutic value and vital need for laughter and humor in health care.

From The Poll Vault (1 April)

• 75% of Canadians say workers should not lose their jobs if their employer is making a profit.
• 70% of female executives say that golf is a great tool for business.
• 68% of young adults are sick of reality TV.
• 64% of Internet users aged 50-plus would sooner live without TV than their computers.
• 56% of us have felt pressured to do something unethical or illegal at work.
• 40% of people meet their partners in the workplace.
• 5% of children talk on the phone before they go to bed.

Another Round, I'm Online! (1 April)

A St Louis company is developing the 'biofuel cell', technology that uses biological substance to generate power. Akermin Inc hopes to be able to power cell phones and laptop computers using ethanol-based substance such as vodka or beer. Cooking oil, sugar and many other organic substances will also work, but ethanol seems to be the most efficient.
- "St Louis Post-Dispatch"

Work Survivor (1 April)

A recent poll reveals that a whopping 87% of employees don't like what the do for a living. Jane Boucher, author of the book "How to Love the Job You Hate", has a few tips on how to make a bad job seem better ...

• Do things you don't like first so they don't weigh on your mind all day.
• Get out of your rut by changing up the routine - vary lunch and break times, ask if you can come to work earlier or later.
• Swap chores you don't like with someone who enjoys them. You'll get to try something new and the company will benefit by having cross-trained workers.
• Quit complaining and avoid negative co-workers. You'll actually feel better immediately.
• Organize get-togethers that will build friendships with co-workers.
• Create your own special project to improve the company.
• Learn something new. It will make you feel you're accomplishing more, and will make you more valuable to your employer.

Amazing Fact (1 April)

The odds of dying in an auto accident are 1 in 8000, while the odds of checking out in an airplane mishap are 1 in 325,000.
- "The Book of Risks"

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